SPOILERS: not really
CONTENT WARNINGS: you might want to keep the Kleenex-box within reach….
DISCLAIMER: This story is written entirely for entertainment and is not intended as an infringement against the copy written material that belongs solely to Showtime, MGM/UA, Gekko Films, et al. I'm only playing with their characters and will return them as soon as the story is finished. The following story is the property of the author and is not to be copied, or published without the express, written consent of the author.
SECOND DISCLAIMER: I don't own the song lyrics to this fantastic sad song and kinda used them without permission, without meaning to offend anybody. I am not making money out of this, it is just for fun and the lyrics just fitted the story, and thus the character that is Jack O'Neill so well. My thoughts and sympathy are with everyone who has lost that what was the most precious of their lives and fully agree with the words, spoken by Jack O'Neil in the movie Stargate: "No one should have to out live their own child".
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wrote this little piece after the funeral of somebody close to me, so that sort of set the tune to this. It's about grieving over our loved-ones, accepting the inevitable and finding strength to move on. Needless to say I reached that point before I could write the end to this…
Thanks to Mary, Sandra and Sandra for the beta.

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Tears In Heaven (by Eric Clapton & Will Jennings)
Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please... begging please….

Beyond the door
there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven...

Some people say it gets easier. Some people say time heals all wounds.

They're wrong.

It doesn't get easier. It's just that you find a way to deal with your grief, to struggle through the feelings of guilt and to live with the empty place left in your heart. In fact, it is harder to do.

The easy way out would be to give in. Throw the towel and stop fighting. Drown in your own world of sorrow and regret, *that* would be easy.

I know, believe me.

I almost did that, you know.

There are days that are better than others. Days that go by, where you manage, and are able to live without the constant nagging of the should have's and if only's. Especially if you're occupied, doing something useful, being surrounded by people you care about. But there are also moments where all you can do is get up and drag yourself through the day. Most of the times, ironically, these moments you are alone, the rain is pouring and nothing seems to go right. You cut yourself while shaving. You drop the coffeepot, hit your head against an open cupboard door or trip over your own boots.

Don't we all occasionally have days like that?

Unfortunately, on top of having a bad day like that is that the way you found to deal with your grief suddenly vanishes and the desperate feelings of sorrow and self-pity strike you in full force. The negative circle takes its hold on you and you once more will have to find your own way out.

Another time when it's more difficult than ever is when you're supposed to have fun and celebrate. Birthdays, weddings, holidays, and like now, Christmas. What fun are those days without the ones you love and want to share them with?

Living through the holiday season without Charlie has been the hardest to do. How I've managed so far I don't know, but Christmas is for children, I mean, I don't have to ask Santa for a toy, now do I?

And God, did he love it. The best part of the season in my memory was when we went to buy a tree together. Sara would stay home, and Charlie and I would go to find a tree that would fit in the living room. I won't reveal how many times we came back with one we had to cut off a few inches... it's a guys' thing, you know... but we had so much fun. It was our job to get the tree, and then Sara and Charlie would decorate it, leaving the final touch for me to finish, to place the star on top and switch on the lights. I will never forget the look on my son's face, how he would stand there, with his mouth open, staring at the simple beauty of a Christmas tree.

Those moments will never return.

I know that, and somehow I've learned to accept that, letting the memories warm my heart. Of course my team played a big role in the process. Somehow they managed to drag me through, fill up the empty spot that Charlie left behind. They refused to let me spend Christmas on my own, and, to tell the truth, I'm very grateful for that. Christmas with them has been good, as good as it can ever get, without my kid.

Until now.

This is going to be the first Christmas without Daniel.

Another life lost, another friend gone.

How am I supposed to live through this? How can I enjoy Christmas without Daniel to talk to, without Daniel to buy presents with, and for? Without Daniel to sit with in silence and remember? He was great at knowing when to shut up, especially at times like that, when my memories were playing with my mind, making me depressed and sad. He would just sit there, be there. He understood. I think he was having the same problem, missing his parents and all, I mean, what fun can Christmas be for a kid without his parents, huh?

Daniel knew what it's like 'cause he'd had his own share.

The knowledge that Daniel isn't really gone, that he's somewhere, some place I can't possibly come to understand, makes it slightly easier to accept that he's not here. At least he's not dead. At least he lives on, doing things he'd always dreamed of, to make this a better universe.

Humpf. We'd need thousands of Daniels for that if you ask me, but that aside....

I've seen him. He came to talk to me, when I was a guest of that piece of snake called Ba'al. It took me a while to believe it was *him* and not me imagining things. He was there. So that proves he's around somewhere, in my book. Despite the fact that I haven't got a clue where somewhere is.

Wish it was here, though.

Wish he could come back and tell me how Charlie is doing, somewhere up there, somewhere else, too. I'm positive Charlie is in heaven. He should be. He deserves to be. He's a kid, where else would he have to go, right?

That's why I want Daniel to find out how my kid is doing. Cause I won't ever get the chance myself. I mean, with all the things I've done, all the mistakes I've made? Nah. No illusions. I don't belong in heaven. I don't deserve to be like Daniel either. I try not to think of what's left for me to end up in, then, since I've seen hell in several forms already.

Can it, O'Neill.

It's Christmas, for crying out loud.

It's going to be a long and lonely Christmas. I wish the General would have a mission for us. It's better for me to be occupied, to be off world, distracted from anything that might remind me of the things that can never be.

But I know that's not going to happen. No missions, no field assignment, just be home and enjoy the holiday. Relax, have fun, like the rest of the world.

Yeahsureyabetcha.

Wearily, I dropped my head in the palms of my hands, elbows set on the desk. The mission reports I needed to read were lying unopened beside me. Somehow, my mind had been drifting off and I found it impossible to concentrate.

I wondered briefly if the others were having similar problems, facing Christmas this year, but then I realized Carter still had her family, Teal'c would be, well, just Teal'c, wondering what Christmas was all about again, and Jonas probably hadn't got a clue anyway.

Would they know Christmas on Kelowna? I don't think so.

Nah, it was probably just me. Too old to be amongst the youngsters, too young to spend my time with the elderly and too cranky to keep up with.

Crap.

I was just too depressed to talk myself into getting over it. Sometimes it actually feels good to drown in self-pity, sorrow and regret, and guess what, this was one of those times.

Deciding the mission reports could wait, I nodded to myself. Tonight, I had an appointment with the couch, the remote control and a bottle of good beer. The world would look better in the morning, that much I had learned in my life, so I would just go home, lie down and switch between the hundred something channels to look for a program I wasn't going to watch anyway.

It sounded like a damn fine plan and I was just about to shove the mission reports to the corner of my desk when somebody knocked on my door.

"Colonel O'Neill?"

"Come in," I called, recognizing my newest team member's voice. "Jonas," I greeted the man as he shyly opened the door to step inside. "No banana?" I asked, pointing at his empty hands.

He shrugged. "Just had supper. I'm full."

If he got annoyed by people teasing him about always eating some piece of fruit, he sure as hell didn't show it.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, trying not to sound impatient.

"I was wondering," Jonas shuffled from one foot to the other. "Do you have anything important to do tonight, Colonel?"

I frowned in surprise.

"I mean, it is almost Christmas, right?" he quickly continued. "I have done lots of reading on this Earth tradition and I was wondering if you could take me shopping, I would like to buy a few gifts."

My mouth sort of dropped open and I quickly closed it again, making a perfect imitation of Teal'c raising his brows. "Shopping?"

"Well, you do buy gifts for the ones you care about around this time, don't you? That is custom, for Christmas, isn't it? I would also love to go to church and join the service on Christmas Eve, do you think that's possible? Do you usually go there?"

The enthusiasm was evident in his features. Gotta hand it to Jonas to try to blend in and learn as much about our culture as possible. I don't even want to think about where he finds the energy and spirit for it, but I guess that's where age comes in. He's a youngster.

He's also a member of my team, and it's my job to make sure he feels at ease, fits right in and is handed the opportunity to learn and grow.

Smiling at him, I got to my feet, preparing to walk around the desk. "Shopping it is, then. And yes, I'll take you to church tomorrow night as well. I'm sure you'll love it. What I'm wondering, though.... what are you going to buy for Teal'c?"

Jonas grinned. "That's easy, Colonel. Candles. Lots of candles."

I stared at him, then chuckled, with the image of Teal'c doing his Kelno'reem thing between a bunch of red and green Christmas candles burned in my mind. I slapped the newest member of my team on the shoulder, motioning him to follow me.

We had some shopping to do.

It was going to be Christmas, after all.

>>> THE END <<<

Chez Corine