Co-written with BadgerGater.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions; all the powers that be, not us; This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement intended. The story is the property of the authors and may not be posted without the authors' consent.
AUTHORS' NOTES: We both figured this episode needed an epilogue-- there were far too many unanswered questions

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I didn't have a clue what I was going to tell her.

I'd just returned through the Stargate from P3X562, having taken back that crystal, the one that had morphed into the perfect image of my son.

My son.

Oh God, Charlie.

My heart had nearly stopped in my chest, right there in that hospital, at the sight of Charlie's innocent face. It was the one thing I'd wanted more than life itself for the past year, to see my son again, to hold Charlie, to tell him I loved him, but most of all to beg him for forgiveness. It was the only thing I'd ever wanted so fiercely, to have that moment back, to undo what had been done.

I knew it wasn't possible, but for one tiny, brief second I'd thought...

Don't go there, Jack, therein lies madness.

You can't change the past. You can't go back. You can't undo what's been done. Not even all the miraculous things you have seen out there in the universe can repair your mistake.

Even that magic morphing crystal guy couldn't fix things. He couldn't fix things for his people and he most definitely couldn't fix things for you. Nothing can fix the mess you made, Jack.

That crystal guy was wrong, way wrong when he said he found an empty space in my heart, where Charlie used to be. There is no empty spot, it's filled with bitterness and self-reproach and regrets.

Some days it's overwhelming, and it's all I can do to get out of bed. There'd been a time when I couldn't stand it, when I'd volunteered for that suicide mission through the Stargate, so I could end it right there. Funny, people think I'm so brave but when it comes right down to it, I was a coward, too cowardly to do the right thing and use that gun to blow my brains out. So instead I'd found a way to let the Air Force do it for me.

And then, shit, I couldn't even do that right. I quit thinking about my guilt and my grief, the penance I was supposed to be making, and the punishment I deserved for what I'd done. Somehow, I'd managed to survive.

Damn that Daniel Jackson. He'd said things, things I didn't want to hear, things that reminded me there was still a life to go back to. Of course, in the end I was too late and Sara was already gone, but by then I had decided to live and there was no going back...

Now she was waiting for me to come and talk to her, to explain what the hell had happened at that hospital and I didn't know what to say or do. I couldn't tell her the truth and I didn't want to tell her a lie either.

Good Lord, what had that thing, my clone, said to her? Had he told her all the things I couldn't say, revealed all the sorrow and bitterness and regret that filled my soul?

I was never very good at talking about things, about important things anyway, like feelings, even before Iraq. What had happened in Iraq had just made it worse, made me worse, more closed up than ever. I don't know how Sara put up with me as long as she did. She deserved better, someone better than me, someone who could tell her how much he loved her and needed her. Someone who could do something besides stare dumbly and fumble for words that never came.

She is better off without me.

If only I could convince myself of that.

I'd tried for more than a year now; I'd really tried, but the truth was, I still loved her and I would always love her and that was that.

Oh Jack, you always want what you can't have. You can't have Charlie, and you can't have Sara.

You should quit wanting what you can't have.

But I can't. I can make myself pretend; I can push my needs so deeply into the back of my mind that I can almost forget they exist. But they do exist and in my dreams they come back to haunt me.

So when I'd seen Sara, there in the hallway in the hospital, and held her in my arms, oh God…

We were the greatest, once, before I'd ruined it all.
<><><><><>

Daniel, Teal'c and Sam had been waiting in the gateroom, with the lights still on. They had watched their Commanding Officer leave with that crystal image of his son, and they were stunned by what they'd seen and heard. Sam and Teal'c had just found out that the Colonel had actually had a son, only to lose him so tragically. This whole incident was a big shock to them. Daniel had been the only one privy to his past, or at least this part of it.

"Holy Hannah, that must have been SO hard on him, to see his kid again," Sam whispered softly, remembering the devastated look on her CO's face back in that hospital room. She couldn't forget the way the Colonel had stared at that crystal and how Daniel had to bring him back to reality.

Daniel sighed heavily. "Yeah, this is going to be pretty rough on him. We'll have to keep an eye on him, guys."

Teal'c, who himself had a son without having the certainty of ever seeing him again, wanted to know more details. This news about the death of O'Neill's child was another confusing action by the Tau'ri he had allied himself with. "What has happened to O'Neill's son, Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel shrugged his shoulders. "Just over a year ago, before the first Stargate mission, Charlie accidentally shot himself with Jack's gun," he said, "Jack… was devastated, blaming himself. He was… kind of suicidal on the first mission to Abydos…"

"Kind of suicidal? How can someone be kind of suicidal?" asked Sam.

"Well, Jack accepted the assignment as a suicide mission. He wasn't planning to come back. His mission was to send the rest of us back through the 'gate and stay behind to ensure that the bomb went off. He was going to set it off himself."

"I'd say that was more than kind of suicidal. Sounds pretty definitely suicidal to me," said a stunned Sam.

Teal'c stared at Daniel, unable to picture the O'Neill he knew as the hopeless man Daniel Jackson described. O'Neill, the one who had fought on Chulak, not only to survive but to save all those people as well? O'Neill, who'd offered him a place to go when Teal'c had betrayed his false God? Everything Teal'c knew about this man was a complete contradiction to what Daniel Jackson was telling him.

Daniel, keenly aware of his teammates' reactions to the story, shrugged helplessly and threw his hands in the air. "I know it's hard to believe, but well, things changed."

"Thank God…" Sam muttered.

"Why then has O'Neill never spoken of his son?" asked Teal'c, who did not understand. He had seen that humans usually revered their children, had seen pictures of children and families on many of the desks and in many of the lockers of the SGC personnel. "Why does he have no pictures? I have been to his home and saw none there, as well. On Chulak, one honors the departed by speaking of them, recalling their good qualities and worthy deeds."

"I think it's just too painful for him. Pictures would mean he'd have to explain, like when Sam saw the clone, and asked about his family. Jack just can't talk about it."

"Oh God, I never thought..." said Sam, helplessly running a hand through her blond hair.

Daniel stepped closer, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Most people wouldn't, Sam. You just never assume anything so awful could happen to someone you know."

"Well I guess this clears up a few things, like why he never talks about anything outside of work, why he avoids any mention of anything personal..." Sam mused, suddenly realizing this explained some of her CO's puzzling actions.

"Yeah. When I first met him, he was worse, a lot worse, barely functioning. I'd never met anyone so dark and empty, so lost. No sense of humor. No emotion. A shell of a man," Daniel let his mind wander back to that first mission, to his first meeting with Colonel O'Neill.

He remembered all too well the kind of person Jack O'Neill had been in those days: How he'd barked his orders at them without giving any explanation, his bitter remarks, his negative thinking, and his dark state-of-mind. He had seen the man change, developing into the man they all knew today. Seeing the stunned expressions on his colleagues' faces, he knew they were still having a hard time picturing their CO as depressed and suicidal.

"He has changed… a lot. But I don't think he's ever gotten over Charlie's death. I don't think any parent could ever overcome the death of their child. Especially Jack, since he blames himself," Daniel tried to explain. "Jack told me once that he would never forgive himself, but that sometimes he could forget. That's how he copes."

"So he apparently learned to live with it by locking his grief deep inside, and managed to move on. That alone is tough," Sam said, trying to think how it would feel if one of her brother's children died, knowing how devastated she would be and it wouldn't even be her own kid. "So this is bringing some very painful memories to the surface."

"You could say that," Daniel answered worriedly. Although Jack had smiled encouragingly at them just before stepping through the Stargate with the duplicate Charlie on one hand, he wasn't sure his friend would be able to handle this. He was afraid Jack would crawl back behind his shield again, withdrawing from support and comfort; as if punishing himself would do any good. He was really afraid of losing the Jack he knew, worried that the old Jack would re-surface and that he wouldn't be able to pull his friend out of his despair a second time.

Jack was so good at punishing himself, refusing to forgive himself and denying himself the comfort of friends.

God, Daniel knew he was.

Anyone who hadn't seen him doing that before would ever suspect a thing. Nobody had seen him back then, when he was suicidal. So it was up to him to break through that brick wall Jack would most likely try to build around himself again. Daniel made a mental vow to knock that wall done, brick by brick, if he had to.

If only Jack would let him.

Daniel was pulled from his worries as suddenly the great wheel of naquada started turning, the Stargate's chevrons locking one by one. The three remaining members of SG-1 looked expectantly at the huge metal ring, hoping that their team leader would come back to them, safely, peacefully.

The control room personnel opened the iris, indicating they'd received the proper signal. The wormhole bathed the gateroom in blue light and Colonel O'Neill stepped through, hands in his pockets, a wide engaging smile on his face.

His mouth is smiling but his eyes are not laughing, Daniel thought, as he stepped closer to greet his friend.

Eyeing him carefully, as if trying to look into his soul, Daniel asked the obvious question. "How did it go, Jack?"

Shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly, Jack kept his report as brief as possible. "Fine, Daniel. It morphed back into a blue crystal again; we said goodbye. It's there, we're here and the General is waiting, so if you'll excuse me."

O'Neill left, leaving the three members of his team frowning; concerned, surprised and uneasy with the whole situation.
<><><><><>

I had to go, no more hiding from my team in the quiet of my office, pretending to write a mission report. I couldn't even find the first word to start a description of what had just happened. What would I say? Visited planet. Met crystal creature thingy which turned into perfect copy of Colonel; copy tells ex-wife all the things emotionally helpless Colonel can't say; morphs into perfect image of Colonel's dead son; just another routine day at the office.

Get it together, Jack.

No time now for self-pity, no time for wishing for all the things you cannot have. I couldn't face my friends, not now, not just yet. General Hammond was waiting. I pushed myself up from the desk and staggered, clutching at my side, pain, oh shit. I'd been ignoring it all along, telling myself all evening it was nothing. Guess I really had pulled something, when the energy discharge back at the hospital had thrown me into that cupboard. Cracked a rib I supposed. I should have gone down to see Doc first, but then she would want to do tests and x-rays and would keep me around for hours. I would never get this resolved, would never talk to Sara; never put an end to this.

The doctor could wait. The General couldn't. I found the aspirin bottle in my desk drawer, shook a couple out into my hand and swallowed them dry. Good enough.

Hammond is a pretty fair guy, I thought, walking gingerly down the corridor from my office toward his. Beats the hell out of that General West, who rigged the bomb to Abydos, almost got all of us killed, because he didn't trust me, didn't trust my judgment.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so critical of what West did, since I was, bluntly, out of my head at the time. Suicide had seemed pretty logical to me then. The scary thing was, once in a while it still did, in the dark of a sleepless night.

Buck up, Jack. Sara needs an explanation.

I knocked on Hammond's door, entered at his order, "Come in." He looked up from his paperwork. "Have a seat, Colonel."

I sat, carefully. "You wanted to see me, Sir?"

"No problem getting that crystal back to its own world?" Hammond eyed me questioningly.

"No, Sir."

"Good then. The security people seem to have things fairly well under control down at the hospital. They've cooked up some explanation about toxic chemical exposure to explain away the actions of the ahhh, clone. Now, Colonel, what are you going to tell your wife?"

I stared at the floor for a moment. "Ex-wife, Sir. And I don't know. Yet."

Hammond nodded. "Colonel, you understand that you cannot tell her the truth, cannot reveal the existence of the SGC and the Stargate program."

I raised my eyes to meet the intent gaze of the General. "She heard the term, General, the crystal asked several times to return to the Stargate. But she is, err, was an Air Force wife for many years, Sir, she knows a lot of secrets go untold. I won't give anything away."

Hammond smiled. "I didn't think you would, Colonel O'Neill." The General looked down at his desk, then back up at me. "Jack, I know that it must have been very difficult for you. I'm sorry if this has brought back..."

"I'm fine, Sir." I cut him off quickly, not wanting this conversation to delve any deeper. "With all due respect, General, I do need to have that talk with Sara, the sooner the better."

He nodded. "I understand. Good luck, Colonel."

"Thank you, Sir."

<><><><><>

It was daylight by the time I exited the Cheyenne Mountain complex. God, I'd been up all night. I was exhausted and to tell the truth, that aspirin wasn't providing much help with my ribs, either.

I had called Sara before leaving the base, so she knew I was coming. She met me at the door.

"Mike around?" I asked, hoping her father wouldn't be sitting in on this conversation.

"No. I thought you might want to talk in private," she answered, leading me through to the living room, as if I needed an escort in my own home, correction, what had once been my own home. God, it was hard, being here, thinking about....

Stop it, Jack.

"So what did you come here to say?"

I cleared my throat, unsure where to start. "We have to talk about what happened with that....." I searched for a word. "I need you to tell me what he did..."

Sara, always straightforward, beat me to it. "Oh, you mean that Jack O'Neill that came to my house, acting even stranger than you usually do, and then starting spurting blue flames, and before the night was over changed into my dead son? And I'm supposed to explain this to you?"

"Tell me what he said, and did. Please." I looked at her, pleadingly.

She told me, concisely, even the bits about the other Jack up in Charlie's room, hugging Charlie's pillow, looking like he was about to cry.

I was afraid that at that moment I looked about the same. Maybe I did, judging from the look on Sara's face.

And then she told me about the conversation in the park.

"He was right," I muttered.

"What?"

"You were angry and you had every right to be. And I should have talked to you a long time ago."

"You know Jack, you've really gotten good at should haves and would haves. But if they worked, Jack, we'd still have our boy," she said bitterly.

I recoiled like she'd just hit me. Not that I didn't deserve it, but it hurt, coming from the woman I loved.

She looked up, realized what she'd said, seeing how white and grim my face must have looked. "Jack, I..."

"There aren't any words, Sara..." I stared down at the floor.

The silence stretched into long moments, broken only by the clock ticking and muffled noises from the street out front.

Finally, I said, "Look, that thing...."

"It's some kind of a cloning thing, right? You're involved in some secret government cloning project, right? The Stargate?"

"I can't tell you." God, I hated to say those unsatisfying words she hated so much. I couldn't look into her eyes as I said them. "I'm sorry, I can't tell you."

"Or you won't?" Her anger flared. "What kind of a sick perverted joke was that, to try to clone our son? You let them clone our son and you can't tell me?"

"No, I... that's not..." God, I'd rather face battle, fight a hundred Goa'uld or a thousand Jaffa than bare my soul. "It was an accident..."

"An accident that they cloned Charlie, or that you let them out? Huh? How could you? Jack, how could you!" and she was on her feet, in front of me, with tears on her cheeks, and then her fists were pounding on my chest. I stood there, and let her hit me; let her vent her anger and her fury on me, because after all, I deserved it. "He's gone, Jack, and there's nothing you can do or I can do to bring him back. He's gone." And she was in my arms, sobbing.

I brought my right hand up to caress her back. "Sara," it was all I could say. And then I knew the right words, the words of the crystal, which had lost its whole world, too, and understood.

"He's never gone, Sara, not as long as we keep him here, in our hearts," I said touching my chest.

She raised her tear-streaked face to mine. I'd surprised her, I think, such a philosophical statement coming out of my mouth. God, I wanted to tell her the truth, tell her all of it, all about the Stargate, and Abydos and everything that had happened in my life. About the crystal and what it had said to me, because all of a sudden it was making sense to me.

"We can't let his life be only about how he died. It has to be about how he lived," I whispered. "Charlie loved baseball and model airplanes and dogs and the stars. He loved to laugh."

"So did you," she looked into my eyes again. "It's the one thing I miss most, Jack, how you used to laugh. The sound of your laughter, the two of you together, and I'd wonder what sort of crazy scheme the two of you were cooking up next." There was the hint of a smile through her tears.

I held her a long time, brushed her tears away with my sleeve, and then finally, I said, "Will you be all right?"

"I think so… You?" She didn't look convincing, but God, she was trying. She was always brave. And worried about me. Her gaze searched my face, demanding the truth.

"Yes." I answered honestly; knowing at last that this finally was the right answer.
<><><><><>

I left and drove home slowly, exhausted, my ribs aching, thinking only of my bed and sleep, hopefully, a dreamless sleep. And then when I got to my house, there was a car in my driveway. Damn it.

It was Daniel. He'd come to worry about me I guess, and even worse, he had Carter and Teal'c with him. They were standing in a little crowd at my front door, an apologetic look on Daniel's face. "I, ah, we just wanted to be sure you were okay…"

"We?" I really didn't need any more people fussing over me right now.

"We. Me. Sam. Teal'c." With his thumb, he pointed at Carter and the Jaffa. "We all were worried about you."

"No need to be."

Daniel shook his head disbelievingly. "Right. It's every day that you meet a clone of your dead son..."

"I'm fine, Daniel, just tired," and as if proving it, I fumbled with the key in the lock, dropping it to the mat. I moved to pick it up, unthinkingly bent over to retrieve it, a gasp of pain escaping me before I could stop it. My hand went involuntarily to my ribs as I straightened slowly.

"You're hurt," said Sam, rushing forward to help.

I waved her away with one hand, insisting, "I'm fine. Just some bruises from when that thing knocked me across the room."

"Yeah, right. You always have that much trouble standing up straight," Daniel commented, sarcastically. Hm, he must be learning that from me, I thought.

"Daniel, just leave it." I tried to shut the door but they were right behind me, following me into the quiet house. "Daniel, please," I said tiredly, sinking slowly into the easy chair. Daniel flopped into the couch across the room, Carter sitting beside him, Teal'c standing at parade rest in the doorway.

"Jack..."

I could see he wasn't going to let me off the hook easily. Damn all annoyingly stubborn archaeologists. I stared at him defiantly. "I am not going to talk about it."

"I didn't ask you to."

"You were going to."

He nodded. "I was." He looked down a moment. "Anything we can do to help?"

I sighed. Although I appreciated their concern and knew they meant well, I really wasn't in the mood. "Go away and let me go to bed."

"Maybe we should take you back to the base and have Janet look at your ribs." Daniel tried.

"My ribs, like the rest of me, will be just fine, once I get some sleep," I said stubbornly.

Daniel shook his head, disbelievingly.

"Daniel, I'm okay. Really. I'm not about to do anything... I'm not like that anymore..."

"You're not suicidal?" There. He'd said it. I knew what was bothering him and I knew he wouldn't stop. To tell the truth, I couldn't really blame him. He knows me, knows me better than I even know myself in some ways. I had to give him some reassurance, even if I wasn't ready yet. He deserved better.

"No, I'm not," I said with conviction, getting up to pace the room, not looking at any of them because I couldn't talk about what I was feeling and look someone in the eye. "I won't try to tell you that it wasn't a hell of a shock, seeing that thing turn into Charlie. For a moment I thought it really was him, and God knows I wished it was, but it wasn't." I sat back down on the chair, looking down. I drew in a deep breath, before I could continue. "That's… that's the way I want to remember him, you know, like he looked today." I had to pause, to steady my voice. "Not like… the last time I saw him........" the words faded away, my mind drifting back to that terrible image of his mortally wounded, blood drenched body in my arms. I shivered, fists clenching, and I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to banish that horrible memory.

They were all silent, probably too shocked to say or do anything. I was sorta shocked myself, that I'd just told them so much about myself, more than I'd told any of them in the months we'd worked together.

"And Sara?" Daniel finally asked, with a soft voice.

"She's okay with it too. I talked to her, that's where I was. She thinks it's some secret government cloning experiment gone wrong." I sighed, absently rubbing my eyes. "She's mad as hell at me about it, but she'll be all right. She's a tough lady."

"She must be, to have put up with you," Daniel said with a grin, attempting to lighten up the mood.

"Thanks," I said wryly, making a face.

"Sir, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I..." Carter looked at me, apologetically.

I interrupted her. This wasn't her fault. "Don't worry, Captain. You had no way to know. It's my private business."

"Jack, if we're supposed to be a team, then we have to understand each other and trust each other, and that means this isn't your private business anymore. I understand, because I knew you back then, when we first went to Abydos." Daniel paused.

"I'm not like I was then," I insisted.

Daniel grinned. "I know. Good thing, too. I didn't much like you then."

I snorted. "I didn't much like myself."

"That was obvious."

I felt him staring at me. "I suppose it was."

"I thought you really were one of those hard-assed, by the book, unemotional, hard core, stiff necked military SOBs that I've always hated."

"I'm not?" I asked in mock surprise.

Daniel chuckled. "You are about as far from it as I can imagine, for a Colonel."

"Thanks. I think."

"Jack..."

"What?" I looked at Daniel.

"You really are okay, with this?"

I sighed, too tired for more verbal sparring with Daniel Jackson. "Daniel, I'm okay. Not great. Not wonderful. But I manage. I will never be okay with what happened to my kid. Never. You know that. I will regret that day for the rest of my life, and I will never forgive myself. Period. But I learned to live with it, back there on Abydos. And, well, actually, today helped."

"Helped?" He frowned, pushing his glasses back on his nose with one hand.

"That thing, the crystal, it reminded me of something, that Charlie is a part of me as long as I live. A part of him lives always in my memories of him and as long as I live, that lives on." I paused, staring at them, wondering. "Am I making any sense here?"

Daniel nodded slowly. "Yeah."

Teal'c's solemn tones carried across the quiet room. "We carry in our hearts the memory of those we have cherished and lost, and as long as we remember them, they are never truly gone, O'Neill."

I nodded slowly at the big guy. For someone who's not entirely human, he understands things pretty damn well. "So you don't have to worry about me. Really. I'm okay."

"Good." Daniel stood. "Just remember what I said to you back on Abydos, it's still true. You have people here who care about you. We're always here for you, to talk to, share a beer with, whatever you need."

"Thanks. I know that, now. Now go home, all of you. Let me get some sleep, huh?"

They did, unwillingly maybe, but respecting my fierce need for privacy. God, my team. My friends. Although I'd rather be alone right now, there is comfort in knowing I have friends like that. Someday, I'll have to find a way to thank them.
<><><><><>

Daniel walked through the corridors of the SGC. He still had plenty of work to do, so he planned on going back to his office. He'd just left the commissary, a mug of steaming coffee in his hand. His mind however was still on the conversation they'd had with Jack and he was too caught up in it to notice General Hammond approach him.

"Doctor Jackson, have you seen Colonel O'Neill lately?" The firm voice shook him back to the present and he stopped, surprised, taking in the deep concerned expression on the General's face. He's been as worried as we were, Daniel thought.

"Actually, yes, General. We stopped by his house to check on him."

"And? How was he?"

"Okay, I guess. He's handling this better than I had expected, General. He will be fine."

Relief overwhelmed the General, but he still needed another confirmation. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure. Plus we'll keep looking after him, Sir."

"You'll do that, son. You'll do that." With that brief comment, the General left and Daniel headed to his office, still frowning about his conversation with the General.

This time, he'd heard the fast clicking of heels and recognized the steps seconds before Doctor Janet Fraiser appeared around the corner. "Hi, Janet," he greeted her.

Her face brightened when she saw him. "Daniel! Have you seen the Colonel?"

"Yes, Janet. He's probably sleeping right now; he was very tired. But he's fine, all things considered."

She eyed him carefully. "Positive?" Privy to the Colonel's file, she knew more about the man's past than she'd ever wished to know. After hearing about the clone changing into an image of the Colonel's dead son and seeing him leave with the boy on his hand, she had been very worried about O'Neill. She knew the Colonel's ability to ignore and hide his true feelings and was worried this incident could trigger another full-blown depression. She hadn't been able to check up on him, as he'd left the base immediately after returning from that planet and reporting back to the General.

Daniel studied her face, realizing she hadn't seen him at all yet. "He did talk to us about it, Janet." In answer to her eyebrow lifting in surprise, he continued. "Well… he didn't talk much, but he did talk. He also talked to Sara and he's dealing with it. It's not like last time…"

"It's not?"

"No. I think he's stronger now. He's certainly a different person than he was back then and he's got something to fight for now."

"What's that?" she asked, not getting it.

"Well, you, me… Sam, Teal'c, the project. This is his life. We're his friends. That makes all the difference, you know…" Daniel explained. "He has a place where he belongs, here. Something purposeful to do. Goals. Promises to keep. People who count on him. People who need him."

She nodded, understanding what he meant. Satisfied for the moment, she left it at that, but decided she still needed to see and talk to the man herself first to be truly convinced.

Daniel walked away, but paused to look briefly back over his shoulder.

"Oh, and Janet… when you see him, you might want to take a look at his ribs. He's hurt but I doubt that he'll tell you. You know him." He watched her sighing, while she pulled a face, then he left.

He entered his office, smiling brightly. Jack would be okay. They all would make sure of that.
<><><><><>

Surprisingly, I did manage to sleep that night. Not on the couch, not on the roof. No, just in my bed. No bad dreams, no horrible memories. Better than I'd slept a lot of nights, for a long time.

See, I'd finally accepted what it was the crystal was trying to tell me. The truth is, Charlie will never be truly gone, not as long as I draw a breath. He'll be with me as long as I live, and that gives my life meaning. He lives on, in me. I wish it was different, I wish it was, but I can't change it, I can only go on and cherish the good memories. It's not easy, it never will be easy, but no one ever said life would be easy. I learned that a long time ago. Living is as much about dying as about living, and how we deal with both sides of that coin is the measure of who we are.

I will miss him every day of my life, just as I will always love Sara, even if it's too painful for us to be together. Maybe it will change, someday, maybe. I don't know.

But I know now I can go on. That was the crystal's gift to me.

>>> THE END <<<

Chez Corine